From time to time, we get handwritten letters at the radio station...and as the Program Director they, by default, go to my mailbox.
Sometimes it's letters from a school. Sometimes it's a letter from someone in prison. Sometimes it's just song lyrics. Sometimes, and these are the rare but exciting ones, it's something so inexplicable and weird that the only thing that I can't wait to share it with the world.
Today, my friends, is one of those times.
This "church", which evidently meets in a UBS office on Deaderick Street (?? No, really, Google map it), focuses much less on religion and much more on things like teaching men how to attract women with bad habits they can live with.
Oh, also using karate to beat the crap out of bullies.
And don't forget Magic....or should I say...Magick 101.
Here's a couple of my favorites from the letter.
We'll teach you about salesmanship, job readiness, and for a fee, Dating and Attraction for Men, American Martial Arts, Magick 101. Our class on Mediation for the Anally Driven is free, as well as our Salesmanship and Job Readiness courses.
WTF does "anally driven" mean!?!?!
Wait, don't answer that.
We can teach you how to protect and defend YOUR OWN SWEET A**, and Attract a woman who will do most of the sexual acts you want, and has bad habits you can live with.
Plus, we have Gut Splitting Stand Up Sermons from our own rev Roger Boni.
I kept waiting on something to tell me this was a joke. Like 4 pages in, I was like "This can't be real". But, from everything I can see, this dude is TOTALLY for real.
Problem is, I can't find them anywhere on social media. The website on the letter is a dead link, and I can't find "Rev Roger Boni" anywhere. The phone number went to voice mail after a few rings, and the mailbox isn't set up.
So....elaborate joke? Maybe.
Real place? Also maybe.
Staff field trip to find out?
Yeah, I feel like that's a must.